A Painful ‘NO’.

I remember sitting against a plain wall, staring at it incoherently. As if it knew all my answers,the queries that kept my stomach so filled, that the food plate on my lap lacked not a grain lesser than the time it was served. I remember, walking through the narrowest hall of my house, all alone, flickering in some pattern on the cut pieces of marbles, I marched all the time, yet differently stepped every time, playing in my mind a sad tune in which I moved along with the rhythms of melancholy. I remember being depressed to the point, that made my eyes filled with tears of sorrow from nowhere, even during the times I joked around with my best friend. I still recall those days, where I hardly escaped from your disastrous thoughts and cajoled self to take a nap, yet dreamed scenes related to you that used to strangle me in sleep, and I wake up all horrified, sweaty. I remember baking cakes, and not having a bite of it. I still remember that a destroyed sense in me felt numb at sights of cloudy sunsets .And rain made me feel paralyzed. I remember, when the waves of ocean, the sound, could wash not an inch of my anxieties. I closed my eyes, breathing the wind, sitting there on the shore. Yet turning blind towards the sprinting flashback of our good memories, that ended up with the heartbreak part, wasn’t possible.
I remember doubting on the existence of love, of friendship.
I remember the scent of my tears-soaked pillows more than I remember the music of my favorite song. I remember the pain, and softness of swollen eyelids. And also, the way I had switched from dancing to crying, while bathing. I remember putting on my eyeliner, and getting praised about my eyes, didn’t lit my excitement, rather saddened me with visceral memories I was running away from. For I was trying to put facade, yet wanted to be understood. And I yet didn’t want to sing my misery and earn sympathy.
I remember the time, when the most hated human tendency for me, was ‘confusion’.

Dear Love, I do remember every inch of all those experiences I felt with you, without you, for you. And most of all, because of you. I remember the way you jumped into my life, all of a sudden. Like a friend enters into your room, without even knocking, and no matter how discomforting it is, it had got a taste of pleasure in it. Dear Love, I remember, the way you approached, the way you made me feel important, the hopes you gifted me, the dreams you awakened. Dear Love, I remember them well, those cheesy words of your, the base of love being built on a field of friendship. I remember the bricks you hold, you told me about. Those I thought you would adjoin to construct a home… our home. But I knew not that you were a greater player of words, than I am.

They say, happiest are the couples who were friends at first. And I moan for being an exception to almost every quote on happiness stitched till date. Dear Love, I wished not to, but I do remember all your imprecise statements, all the lies that your tongue uttered. I remember being a non-essential option. Of being one option you carved me into. Of being an option… you didn’t choose. I remember the way I pushed my face against the wall of my folded limbs and crossed arms, and tried to calm the voice of absolute anger, of being left out, that roared within, that echoed and faded within. And vengeance was not even a cure to this curse I was bearing. Because at the end of the day you cannot force someone to love, or choose you. Even though they swore solemnly a hundred times, you cannot force them to stick to their promises. Because a company as such is bitter than the loneliest lonesomeness. Because you shouldn’t. Because a partner is absolutely an essential gratification, but not more than your self-respect.

Dear Love, you chose a person from your unsteady past, whom you claimed you loved. Whom you summarized to be loving you back. Dear Love, you also hid your guilty story from reaching my eyes, were you aware of me already seeing the truth of your weak bonding? You left me, when I begged you not to. You never did see my misery. You disappeared like a shadow on the first moment of darkness. You did live your life, your wrong decisions, and after tasting the product of your miserable deeds, you came running back to me. You brought me a bouquet of apologies, because you knew it works. And it did, at-least until I knew that you’re then a little human who cannot peel off his habits. Dear Love, you still preferred to hide behind beautiful masks and to veil up your scars, and I always adore only who flaunt their bruises.
Love, your ruthless actions were preachy enough to teach me how to avoid fickle people in the vicinity of serious commitments. I’m not a person who is fond of switching humans like garments. And there then, I had to bear with the hardest decision I’ve ever made. Of moving in the opposite direction of the destination I so craved of sighting, and yes, I made sure that the path wasn’t circular.
Dear Love, I grew into a positive person who now trusts herself, because you made me go through many emotional hails that I thought I can’t survive, for which I’m totally thankful. Some lessons are better taught harshly, isn’t it?
At one point of time, I thought of never being able enough for overcoming the consequences of your betrayal. But after dare saying a NO, I precisely did get all the satisfactions I could fill my future with. Dear Love, I appreciate your comeback, your youthful approach for the second time, the one I eagerly had prayed for, spending many of my sleepless nights. The only fact that differed is, I did that when I lived only for getting an opportunity for saying a YES, and I got that happening in reality when ‘NO’ was the only word left for me to give you. And I handed over it to you, it was too heavy for me to carry anyway. I rejected a person I used to sprinkle my life on, I let go of you, because of a reason unknown to neither of us. And I’ve not forgotten you yet, not even remotely, you do cross my mind, but that move no more makes me feel wretched. And trust me, Love, even if it was the most painful sowing I had ever done, it gave me the only outcome I needed. I decorate my life,that earlier faced many contretemps, with those flowers of peaceful truce. A happening truce between my mind and heart, making me feel alive. More than ever before.

-Ameesha

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